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'We will not increase income tax at any levels...'

Payroll manifestos

By the beginning of June 2010, there must be a General Election.

Some National Insurance and pension matters have already become election issues. So what else might the manifesto contain that is relevant to payroll? Here are some predictions:

Labour manifesto (see www.labcoat.org.uk)
We have successfully ended the old practice of boom and bust and now have roaring successes entirely caused by our policies, with just a little dip of £1.5 trillion, which is entirely caused by forces beyond our control.

We shall not increase income tax at any of the rates at all. However, we do believe that the better off should pay their fair share, so we shall introduce a 110% rate for those on high salaries over £20,000 a year. There will be some exemptions for deserving causes such as bankers and Members of Parliament.

National Insurance rates will continue to be aligned to the rate at which the highest rate of tax is payable, so that the upper earnings limit will be £150,000. This will remove some of the anomalies in the system. The rates will remain unchanged at twice what they are now. We will continue our policy of helping the environment. There will be an exemption from vehicle exercise duty for all company cars powered by a wind turbine, and for heavy duty goods vehicles powered by solar panels. We shall provide a fund of £20 into researching development of road fuel from waste beefburgers.

We shall introduce a special VAT rate of 17.4% for any employer who buys a thick jumper for employees to wear in offices as an alternative to switching on the heating. The jumper must conform to certain safety standards – it must be blue and made in a marginal constituency. The 5% VAT rate will be extended to solarpowered torches, inflatable dartboards, fat-free lard and underwater towels.

We shall give every young person the right to attend a Jobcentre and to give them the guaranteed right to receive a form explaining why they are not eligible for any benefits or other help.

We shall free our schools from bureaucracy and provide detailed guidance with a thorough inspection regime to ensure that schools use this freedom in a proper manner.

Our commitment to fight terrorism remains undiminished. We will give the police new powers to arrest anyone doing anything suspicious, such as buying The Guardian.

We shall also increase help to those who find themselves out of work, particularly people who have travelled from Scotland to London SW1, who have moved from finance to general leadership and are without a home or job.

Conservative manifesto (see www.conman.org.uk)
We shall make radical changes from the Labour Government by implementing exactly the same policies for the first five years of the next parliament.

We will remove the higher rates of tax and introduce special allowances, such as private school fee benefit and a clothing allowance so mothers can buy essential items of school uniform, such as rugby shirts, school gowns and top hats.

We will solve the pensions crisis by increasing the state pension age to 95, except for some special cases where earlier retirement is in the public interest, such as for politicians, bankers, diplomats and anyone else who went to Eton.

Marriage will be supported in our tax system according to our detailed and carefully considered proposals. These will be announced at a later date, when George Osborne can find the envelope on which he wrote them.

We shall fund our universities, both of them, so they can continue to turn out high-calibre candidates across a whole spectrum of subjects – from Latin to Greek – to ensure we have the intelligence base for the future.

Police officers will be given new powers to fight terrorism. They will have the power to arrest anyone acting suspiciously, such as loitering at a bus stop, wearing a disguise of last year’s fashions from Marks & Spencer, or otherwise appearing to be poor.

There will be generous grants to help people find new jobs, such as a £100,000 resettlement grant to move into jobrelated accommodation in London SW1.

Liberal Democrat manifesto (see www.nohopeinhell.org.uk)
We offer a genuine alternative to serious voters who want a change from the stale policies of the other two parties. If you vote for us, we will end poverty, pave the streets with gold, make everyone love everyone else, fill everyone’s hearts with happiness, make the sun shine every day and give a guarantee of eternal life.

In our second week, we will.... is anyone reading this?


Robert Leach

Payroll World - February 2010