Payback

You put that horse head on his pillow, geddit?

We mean the same

Following the formation of the coalition Government, Nick Clegg said the Lib-Dems and Conservatives have been using different terms to mean the same thing.

For example, ‘what I call liberalism David Cameron calls the big society’. And on taking away power from the centre and giving it to local people (and dictating to them how to use it, of course), ‘I call it empowerment, he calls it responsibility’.

This opens up the possibility of many other marriages of convenience, where the happy couple could discover they have been using different words to mean the same thing. For example, here is a possible coalition agreement between HM Revenue & Customs with Luigi Protection Services.

Coalition agreement
We both refer to customers, because we give them no choice on whether to give us their custom. This reflects our constructive working relationship between equals: we have the right to make the rules, and you have the right to obey them.

We have discovered that we share many common values between our two organisations. Each organisation collects fees paid for the valuable service of not suffering because you don’t pay them. To allow this to be paid as earned, both organisations offer a PAYE system, though for Luigi this means Poker Across Your Ears.

What HMRC calls penalty notices, Luigi calls protection money. It is both money that you must pay even though you shouldn’t, and where something unpleasant will happen if you don’t.

Many credit card companies have expressed a desire to come into partnership with us on this.

HMRC uses terms like ‘you must make immediate payment’, whereas Luigi prefers expressions such as ‘we wish your wife to stay looking beautiful’. These are both means of encouraging compliance with the customer’s duties.

Both organisations wish to make it easy for customers to settle their obligations. HMRC says ‘cheques should be made payable to HMRC only. We also accept payment by internet, telephone banking, BACS direct credit, debit or credit card, CHAPS transfer and bank Giro’. Luigi similarly offers a wide choice of bank notes, euros, gold, silver, jewellery, bearer bonds or nice motors.

In case customers are still confused, both organisations offer further advice.

HMRC says, ‘You can find further details on how to pay from our website at www.hmrc.gov.uk.’ In this context, ‘you can’ means ‘it is theoretically possible if you have a spare afternoon and wish to key in endless search words to call up long lists of irrelevant documents and dead-ends’. Luigi also offers a payment advice service and even goes so far as to provide a personalised service from Knuckles Jake and Fingers Freddie who are both happy to explain or demonstrate their credit control methods to customers.

This is, of course, all in the customers’ best interests, as if anyone does not pay, it only means that others have to pay more. This is called a ‘level playing field’. It is acknowledged that sometimes things can go wrong. If the customer is wrong, clearly the customer must pay, plus interest, plus a penalty.

However, if HMRC or Luigi is wrong, then the position is quite different.

The customer must pay, plus interest, plus a penalty, plus the fees of an accountant to argue the case. They each have a similar appeal process.

For HMRC, you can write for a review from, er, HMRC, whereas Luigi offers you the chance to write to the man on the moon.

If customers are still foolish enough not to pay, HMRC uses a method known as distraint, whereas Luigi prefers a horse’s head on the pillow. These are both methods of ensuring compliance.

Both organisations are keen to assist customers to meet their obligations. In a free country, it is important that all citizens enjoy the freedom to do what they are told. They should be able to earn freely so they can freely hand over their money to others. This liberates society for ‘Mr Big in Society’. It is called liberalism, or the ‘big society’.

HMRC uses expressions such as ‘we believe your tax affairs may not be wholly correct’ or ‘we would welcome the opportunity to look at your underlying accounts’. Luigi uses the terms, ‘Do you want your wife to stay looking beautiful?’ Or, ‘Do you know how much it costs to replace all your windows?’

HMRC gives notice on how to appeal against tax penalties. Luigi gives advice on how to whistle in the wind. Alternatively, you can talk to the man on the moon. HMRC may assist you to look more closely at tax regulations, whereas Luigi assists you to look more closely at the water in the lavatory.

The effect is usually the same.

On one area, only HMRC gives advice.

You cannot claim tax relief for having your broken knee caps fixed, nor for explaining why your car was set on fire by a ‘friend’ who ‘borrowed’ the keys.


Robert Leach

Payroll World - July 2010